The Key

I thought I'd hit rock bottom.
I was wrong, oh how I couldn't fathom.

The extent to which i could fall
It's really hard to pick up the ball

The decision I made was simple
But now it's growing like a pimple

And I feel like I'm about to burst
But not before I say this first

I hope you're happy, I really do
It's all I've ever, ever, wanted for you

I was selfish, I was to blame
My wishful delusions for glory and fame

"Live a life without regret"
Isn't that what I always said?

I think that is my greatest fear
I'm scared, because I lost something so dear...

FUCK

My mind is a wretch,

I wish I could fetch,

Something.

Something to wedge.

It out.

I can't figure it out.

I'm so used to figuring it out.

And now I can't.

And I'm full of doubt.

And I wish I was somewhere far away, alone, just so I could shout!

Shout out the pain, expel it through a different route.

*breathe*

I always knew karma would haunt me.

I need to get up, I need to be free.

I just wish,

I really wish,

I had the key.

Motivation

Constant feel of sedation
Minor highs of elation
Mind effin, time wastin'
Just like masturbation

Caught in the rip that's pulling me out
Writing is my life jacket
All I want to do is shout
"Just deal with it Chris, just hack it"

I think I just need some attention,
Because I've lost all my concentration
Sitting here, life hatin'
God, give me back my motivation.

My Mind

Too many things are on my mind.
Scattered remnants that are hard to find.

Constantly running out of time.
Just can't seem to make it all combine.

I'm finding it hard concentrate,
It's probably why I'm always late.

Getting sick, it won't go away.
Slowly drowning day by day.

Need to get out, need to escape.
*Cough* I'm sick.

Need to sedate.

My mind.

Need to find.

My mind.

Need to unwind.

My mind.

*Cough*

Time to sleep. Wake up at 9.

Normality

It's been over a month since I last saw her... I miss her. Alot.

I think, I think about her everyday.

And I wish that I could call her, but I wouldn't know what to say...

"Hey I'm just calling to ask how are you doing? Are you ok?"

Omg... it'd be so gay... I always thought it'd be easier this way.

I'm fucking confused.

I've never really thought so much before.

It was so much simpler before.

And now I'm hurting another.

Blunder after blunder.

My world is going asunder.

And all I do is wonder.

Just how selfish I can be.

You can't fuck with people, they're not numbers like 1,2,3.

I think I need to be alone, just alone with me.

But I just wish that I could see.

The way back to normality.

1st Day Back

I'm back.

I've been away for a while. It all seems a little weird to be back. Back to normality. Back to normality after what was initially alien became normal. If that makes sense. I was starting to get used to life in China, and now I'm back. Everything was weird. 1) I can speak to country officials like long lost friends relishing in the fact that we're both Australian, 2) Cars were driving on the left hand side and driving wheels were on the the right hand side, 3) Chinese people got in trouble at customs for trying to push into the line! Haha, man that made me laugh. Needs some enforcement at UNSW bus stops though!

And yeah it's weird. But I'm glad to be back.

A whole bunch of new memories, experiences. A new found hobby (photography). But funnily enough the same derogative attitude towards mainlanders now that I'm back home, something I strove so hard to accept in China, but eventually understood. Oh and the temptation to speak broken Chinese everywhere I go. That's cool and weird.

Bleh, it's all weird.

I can't wait to see everyone!

15 Days In

First things first (obviously)...

Happy New Year! 恭喜发财，新年快乐！

To all my Chinese brothers (and sisters!)

I am currently sitting in my Xian apartment, it's hard to do anything, read, write, edit photos because outside the apartment there is a non-stop raucous of noise due to the ceaseless ignition of fireworks and firecrackers. The blasts echo throughout the city streets. At least now I know what it feels like to be under attack from a foreign threat! The sound of fireworks ricochetting (how do u spell that) bounces along the endless strands of residential apartment blocks. Meanwhile any moment of thought taking place during a brief moment of silence is abruptly disturbed by the piercing whistle of the firework set into the dark expanse of the night sky. Once, Twice, Thrice, Snap, Crackle and Pop. The ambient sound of car alarms going off in the background.

Anyways! After that rather poor attempt at writing! I am back from Lou Guan Tai early and chilling before a nice of festivities!

Also finished reading the Harry Potter series. It's absolutely wonderful. I love the ending, it's so sappy and lovely. I loved reading through Snape's last memories, and the part when Harry meets Dumbledore after his  suicidal acceptance, I loved how he woke up after everyone thought he died, and I loved it when Neville pulled out the sword of Gryffindor! Fucking fantastic book!

I am reading Bourne Identity now, as good as the movie! But in words of course. Awesome description of fight scenes, I can visualise Damon playing the role with harsh intensity and deadly focus its sick!

Anyways, yeah it was a bit sad leaving the village, I'll miss my pandas, my keeper Lee and Mr Deng's haughty deep laugh (the local owner). But I'll be back for sure. Maybe 2 , maybe 5 or maybe 10 years... But I'll be back. It was definitely an unforgettable experience, and has really helped me put things in perspective.

1) I want to travel (still). And although this trip is only 60% through I am 100% sure that I want travelling to be an annual thing. If it means sacrificing money, time etc it'll be worth it.

2) Money is not important (for travelling), I don't really need to spend shit loads of money and go shopping. I just need my camera, my computer and somebody to go with! It's a little lonely otherwise. Wee! Meeting Celia in Shanghai on Friday how exciting.

3) I want to help people, animals, the world. Something. I want to help. But having been a volunteer has made me realise, I can't save the world by being a volunteer. Sure every little bit of help counts, but it's not enough. You need to think big. And then think even bigger. Good thing I'm in the green industry! But I want it to be more then that now. It's gotta be about the environment, about raising living standards... I have a few ideas, but I won't digress into them now.

This will be my life. I know it.

But for now, in the mean time, check out some of my latest flicks:

10 Days In

Right. I'll try keep this short.

My original format was to do a blog every day I was here but that has proven too hard.

Plus I think it'll lower the quality of my blogs if I try to write something everyday. So yeah...

Wow... what a week. I've been stuck in a local village called Lou Guan Tai which is where the Panda Conservation (and the temple where Lao Tzu wrote the scriptures defining Taoism).

It has definately been an interesting (I can't say exciting) experience. The place is a bomb. And it's cold. There was no wifi. There was no cable TV. I showered once (in five days) because the ambient temperature in every room (except the bedroom which I share with Tommy) probably averages 1-2oC, so it's a quite uncomfortable experience.

The day could easily be described in a few verbs actually: 1) Clean, 2) Feed, 3) Eat, 4) Read (Harry Potter on my iPad), 5) Sleep; 6) (Occassionally) Take [photos].

We eat at a local restuarant owned by a lovely man whom we address as Mr Deng. Mangled piles of dirt are dispersed across the park, like unfinished buildings in mid-construction. The air so cold that if I breath through my nose it hurts and if I breathe through my mouth I get aasthma. Boredom can be relieved by watching dodgy films and reading Harry Potter. I venture out to the dormitory lounge room only to check my email and speak to Celia dressed in at least five layers (one of which is a ski jacket) and even then (if I am not moving around) I almost certainly start to feel the cold after 30 minutes, and at no point does it get better.

I feel like I've returned to civilisation now that I'm back to Xian. With my wifi, hydronic heating, tech shops and Facebook. But it's only for the weekend, and on Monday I will travel back to Lou Guan Tai with Tommy and once again return to my service of volunteering.

The funny thing is, I can't say I don't like it. And to be honest, if it weren't from the uncomfortable conditions in the dormitory and lack to technology, I would be happy.

I feel... satisfied, when I finish cleaning out the cages (the smell isn't too bad too be honest) and look forward to falling back onto my bed and reading Harry Potter again (book 5 now!). But yeah back to the work, it isn't bad. It isn't hard. I finish work and I usually stay back a bit to watch the pandas eat.

Chomp Chomp Chomp

So satisfying. They pull the bamboo branch into their mouth, use their hands to grip it and pull so that the leaves get stuck into the side of their mouth. They repeat it several times until there is a nice bunch built up. Then they grab the bunch (from their mouth) and eat it.

Chomp Chomp Chomp

They show little gratitude and understanding, that your helping them. They also need separate enclosures since they will fight to the death otherwise. And... they eat a shit load, shit a shit load, they're messy and are basically high maintenance. (Black bears aren't).

Chomp Chomp Chomp

There are only a few thousand left in the world.

Chomp Chomp Chomp

And there's not guarantee that they'll be around two generations from now.

Well that's what my keeper told me. And it kinda makes it worth it. You clean out the cage and you watch them eat, knowing that it's gonna be you, yourself, cleaning the mess up later. But it's worth it. Just seeing them eat, it's really kind of peaceful, it makes you wonder if you'd enjoy a life more simple. If there wasn't always so much to think about.

And honestly?

It's great. Chomp. It's an amazing feeling. Chomp. And everything is just simple. Chomp.

Because life isn't.

Tofa.

PS. The terracotta warriors = semi-boring. semi-amazing. Kinda like the great wall, still gotta see it just for the sake of it.

PSS. I lied (see first line)