The Key

I thought I'd hit rock bottom.
I was wrong, oh how I couldn't fathom.

The extent to which i could fall
It's really hard to pick up the ball

The decision I made was simple
But now it's growing like a pimple

And I feel like I'm about to burst
But not before I say this first

I hope you're happy, I really do
It's all I've ever, ever, wanted for you

I was selfish, I was to blame
My wishful delusions for glory and fame

"Live a life without regret"
Isn't that what I always said?

I think that is my greatest fear
I'm scared, because I lost something so dear...

FUCK

My mind is a wretch,

I wish I could fetch,

Something.

Something to wedge.

It out.

I can't figure it out.

I'm so used to figuring it out.

And now I can't.

And I'm full of doubt.

And I wish I was somewhere far away, alone, just so I could shout!

Shout out the pain, expel it through a different route.

*breathe*

I always knew karma would haunt me.

I need to get up, I need to be free.

I just wish,

I really wish,

I had the key.

Motivation

Constant feel of sedation
Minor highs of elation
Mind effin, time wastin'
Just like masturbation

Caught in the rip that's pulling me out
Writing is my life jacket
All I want to do is shout
"Just deal with it Chris, just hack it"

I think I just need some attention,
Because I've lost all my concentration
Sitting here, life hatin'
God, give me back my motivation.

My Mind

Too many things are on my mind.
Scattered remnants that are hard to find.

Constantly running out of time.
Just can't seem to make it all combine.

I'm finding it hard concentrate,
It's probably why I'm always late.

Getting sick, it won't go away.
Slowly drowning day by day.

Need to get out, need to escape.
*Cough* I'm sick.

Need to sedate.

My mind.

Need to find.

My mind.

Need to unwind.

My mind.

*Cough*

Time to sleep. Wake up at 9.

Normality

It's been over a month since I last saw her... I miss her. Alot.

I think, I think about her everyday.

And I wish that I could call her, but I wouldn't know what to say...

"Hey I'm just calling to ask how are you doing? Are you ok?"

Omg... it'd be so gay... I always thought it'd be easier this way.

I'm fucking confused.

I've never really thought so much before.

It was so much simpler before.

And now I'm hurting another.

Blunder after blunder.

My world is going asunder.

And all I do is wonder.

Just how selfish I can be.

You can't fuck with people, they're not numbers like 1,2,3.

I think I need to be alone, just alone with me.

But I just wish that I could see.

The way back to normality.

1st Day Back

I'm back.

I've been away for a while. It all seems a little weird to be back. Back to normality. Back to normality after what was initially alien became normal. If that makes sense. I was starting to get used to life in China, and now I'm back. Everything was weird. 1) I can speak to country officials like long lost friends relishing in the fact that we're both Australian, 2) Cars were driving on the left hand side and driving wheels were on the the right hand side, 3) Chinese people got in trouble at customs for trying to push into the line! Haha, man that made me laugh. Needs some enforcement at UNSW bus stops though!

And yeah it's weird. But I'm glad to be back.

A whole bunch of new memories, experiences. A new found hobby (photography). But funnily enough the same derogative attitude towards mainlanders now that I'm back home, something I strove so hard to accept in China, but eventually understood. Oh and the temptation to speak broken Chinese everywhere I go. That's cool and weird.

Bleh, it's all weird.

I can't wait to see everyone!

15 Days In

First things first (obviously)...

Happy New Year! 恭喜发财，新年快乐！

To all my Chinese brothers (and sisters!)

I am currently sitting in my Xian apartment, it's hard to do anything, read, write, edit photos because outside the apartment there is a non-stop raucous of noise due to the ceaseless ignition of fireworks and firecrackers. The blasts echo throughout the city streets. At least now I know what it feels like to be under attack from a foreign threat! The sound of fireworks ricochetting (how do u spell that) bounces along the endless strands of residential apartment blocks. Meanwhile any moment of thought taking place during a brief moment of silence is abruptly disturbed by the piercing whistle of the firework set into the dark expanse of the night sky. Once, Twice, Thrice, Snap, Crackle and Pop. The ambient sound of car alarms going off in the background.

Anyways! After that rather poor attempt at writing! I am back from Lou Guan Tai early and chilling before a nice of festivities!

Also finished reading the Harry Potter series. It's absolutely wonderful. I love the ending, it's so sappy and lovely. I loved reading through Snape's last memories, and the part when Harry meets Dumbledore after his  suicidal acceptance, I loved how he woke up after everyone thought he died, and I loved it when Neville pulled out the sword of Gryffindor! Fucking fantastic book!

I am reading Bourne Identity now, as good as the movie! But in words of course. Awesome description of fight scenes, I can visualise Damon playing the role with harsh intensity and deadly focus its sick!

Anyways, yeah it was a bit sad leaving the village, I'll miss my pandas, my keeper Lee and Mr Deng's haughty deep laugh (the local owner). But I'll be back for sure. Maybe 2 , maybe 5 or maybe 10 years... But I'll be back. It was definitely an unforgettable experience, and has really helped me put things in perspective.

1) I want to travel (still). And although this trip is only 60% through I am 100% sure that I want travelling to be an annual thing. If it means sacrificing money, time etc it'll be worth it.

2) Money is not important (for travelling), I don't really need to spend shit loads of money and go shopping. I just need my camera, my computer and somebody to go with! It's a little lonely otherwise. Wee! Meeting Celia in Shanghai on Friday how exciting.

3) I want to help people, animals, the world. Something. I want to help. But having been a volunteer has made me realise, I can't save the world by being a volunteer. Sure every little bit of help counts, but it's not enough. You need to think big. And then think even bigger. Good thing I'm in the green industry! But I want it to be more then that now. It's gotta be about the environment, about raising living standards... I have a few ideas, but I won't digress into them now.

This will be my life. I know it.

But for now, in the mean time, check out some of my latest flicks:

10 Days In

Right. I'll try keep this short.

My original format was to do a blog every day I was here but that has proven too hard.

Plus I think it'll lower the quality of my blogs if I try to write something everyday. So yeah...

Wow... what a week. I've been stuck in a local village called Lou Guan Tai which is where the Panda Conservation (and the temple where Lao Tzu wrote the scriptures defining Taoism).

It has definately been an interesting (I can't say exciting) experience. The place is a bomb. And it's cold. There was no wifi. There was no cable TV. I showered once (in five days) because the ambient temperature in every room (except the bedroom which I share with Tommy) probably averages 1-2oC, so it's a quite uncomfortable experience.

The day could easily be described in a few verbs actually: 1) Clean, 2) Feed, 3) Eat, 4) Read (Harry Potter on my iPad), 5) Sleep; 6) (Occassionally) Take [photos].

We eat at a local restuarant owned by a lovely man whom we address as Mr Deng. Mangled piles of dirt are dispersed across the park, like unfinished buildings in mid-construction. The air so cold that if I breath through my nose it hurts and if I breathe through my mouth I get aasthma. Boredom can be relieved by watching dodgy films and reading Harry Potter. I venture out to the dormitory lounge room only to check my email and speak to Celia dressed in at least five layers (one of which is a ski jacket) and even then (if I am not moving around) I almost certainly start to feel the cold after 30 minutes, and at no point does it get better.

I feel like I've returned to civilisation now that I'm back to Xian. With my wifi, hydronic heating, tech shops and Facebook. But it's only for the weekend, and on Monday I will travel back to Lou Guan Tai with Tommy and once again return to my service of volunteering.

The funny thing is, I can't say I don't like it. And to be honest, if it weren't from the uncomfortable conditions in the dormitory and lack to technology, I would be happy.

I feel... satisfied, when I finish cleaning out the cages (the smell isn't too bad too be honest) and look forward to falling back onto my bed and reading Harry Potter again (book 5 now!). But yeah back to the work, it isn't bad. It isn't hard. I finish work and I usually stay back a bit to watch the pandas eat.

Chomp Chomp Chomp

So satisfying. They pull the bamboo branch into their mouth, use their hands to grip it and pull so that the leaves get stuck into the side of their mouth. They repeat it several times until there is a nice bunch built up. Then they grab the bunch (from their mouth) and eat it.

Chomp Chomp Chomp

They show little gratitude and understanding, that your helping them. They also need separate enclosures since they will fight to the death otherwise. And... they eat a shit load, shit a shit load, they're messy and are basically high maintenance. (Black bears aren't).

Chomp Chomp Chomp

There are only a few thousand left in the world.

Chomp Chomp Chomp

And there's not guarantee that they'll be around two generations from now.

Well that's what my keeper told me. And it kinda makes it worth it. You clean out the cage and you watch them eat, knowing that it's gonna be you, yourself, cleaning the mess up later. But it's worth it. Just seeing them eat, it's really kind of peaceful, it makes you wonder if you'd enjoy a life more simple. If there wasn't always so much to think about.

And honestly?

It's great. Chomp. It's an amazing feeling. Chomp. And everything is just simple. Chomp.

Because life isn't.

Tofa.

PS. The terracotta warriors = semi-boring. semi-amazing. Kinda like the great wall, still gotta see it just for the sake of it.

PSS. I lied (see first line)

Day 4

My bum is sore.

Had a bit of a journey into the ancient past of Xian. As some of you may already know, Xi'an was the capital city of China for (and don't quote me on this) like 13 dynasties of rule. Today, we, Tommy (from Ireland) and Richard (from England) decided to hire some bikes and go for an 8.5 mile right around the ancient city walls.

Remember the harsh juxtaposition of ancient and modern I wrote about yesterday. Today was exactly like that, except even more crazy! Inside the ancient wall was a thriving municipality. Building. Cars. People. The houses are plastered with old-style designs, tiles reminiscent of something straight out of a Chinese movie like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.
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And then on the outside of the wall, is also a thriving municipality. Building. Cars. People. But the highways stretch outwards in all directions, arterial intersections are jam packed with cars and buses. Buildings aren't the same, they're larger, taller, bigger.

In many ways it feels like as though the city walls, once a barricade from foreign attack, are now a barricade from foreign, futuristic onset of globalisation and industrialisation.  It's like as though the materials which have stood the test of time via physical degradation and weathering, now face a greater and  more omniscient threat - modernisation.

I'm glad to know that Xi'An is being developed by the Chinese government (along with Shanghai and Beijing) as it's "capital cities" with Xian becoming the tourist capital because of its rich cultural heritage and ancient architecture. Hopefully this will be more than enough incentive to protect, or "bao hu" the ancient city.

Heading to the Big Wild Goose Pagoda tonight to check out the water-symphony-light show. Should be fun.

Tofa

Day Three

Today, is what I would classify as the proper start of my volunteering trip in China.

On a superficial level, I received official orientation to the i-to-i volunteering trip, met with Yiliera Dong (my in-country team head of staff) and yeah...

But on a more deep... meaningful note, I travelled on packed out, like tuna-in-a-can-packed-out bus. It wasn't bad, I didn't have to hold on to any bars, because I would just shove a bit on the people around me since I was totally enclosed. You really have to push your way out on these buses, it's not about being rude... it's just about getting off the bus before it starts moving again! Finally! I understand the mainlanders back in Australia.

Before I got on the bus, I tried to speak to a Chinese girl and I asked her if it went to Bell Tower. She said it did. I asked her if she was on her way there as well. She said she was. Anyways it turned out that it was her day off, and she was randomly going to the Bell Tower (PS Bell Tower is one of the most ancient buildings in China, but it is also at the very centre, the very heart of Xi'an CBD). So basically she offered to take me around, who would've known mainlanders could be nice?

Haha, alright so I am losing my cyncism. Anyways, we walked around, she took me to the Muslim Quarter (another ancient part of the city) with Islamic Chinese people! That was weird. But interesting all the same.

I've got to say the Xi'an, whilst a dirty dust ridden city, at blistering cold temperatures, is still an amazing city. At times Xi'an holds a reminiscent feel of it's ancient background, the capital city of x-many dynasties. Then you have rusted, rubbish tainted areas. Signalling the after-effects of a burgeoning city which grew up way too fast (as is most of China). And finally you have that which is modern, new, globalized. You walk into any old building, exterior marked with faded paint and crispy scarring, but inside it's completely new, refurbished, industrialised. It's like you've walked into a different world.

The harsh juxtaposition of the ancient architecture, smack bang right in the middle of the city, cars and buses jammed in all four directions... Well it really makes it seem like the city got lost in time.

Anyways so on the bus back I also got to talking with a two students, one from Nigeria and one from Saudi Arabia. We spoke English. It was nice. We were in a jam packed bus, so every single Chinese person in the vincinity was watching me (a seemingly Chinese looking boy) have this completely legit conversation in English with a Black man and an Arab man. Apparently it's not rude to stare. So yeah, they stare.

Right so back to this Chinese girl. We had quite an interesting time trying to communicate. Her name is Sky. At about 6 pm  I went home for dinner (cooked by Mr. Yu) at which point we went our separate ways. It was quite quaint.

Obviously all of this meant a whole lot more to me than just... sightseeing and shopping.

Today, I met a completely random person, spent a couple of hours talking to them, I don't know if I'll ever see her again but that's cool because I can meet another random! Discovered a truly rare city, and gained a whole shitload of cultural understanding I hadn't had before. This is all exactly what I wanted.

On a further note, I leave for the village called Lou Guan Tai on Monday, to start feeding pandas and stuff. Should be cool, and apparently, very very cold. All good I got a ski jacket from Adidas which was half price, down to 600 RMB or 100 AUD. I'm... about 95% sure it's real since the store was. Sky said her boyfriend had the same one so I guess it is genuine. ANNNDDD the village I'm staying at has no wifi, which means I probably can't use a Mac, which means (if I can be bothered) I'll have to find a different way of ... accessing Facebook. IF I can be bothered. We'll see.

Can't wait till Shanghai with Celia. 13 days left la!

Tofa

Day One

1010 Hrs

It's 10:10 and I'm about to board my Qantas flight to Shanghai, after which I will rush through Chinese customs and take a connecting flight to Xian.

It's my first time I've ever gone anywhere by myself. Mum was freaking out constantly over the past few days. Its been driving me mad and to be honest the moment I walked into customs away from her strangling motherly sort of love I felt an immediate sense of relief. And immediately afterwards, these feelings quickly turned into slight anxiety and concern. I'm currently re-reading Harry Potter, and I'm up to book number four, so Moody's CONSTANT VIGILANCE seems to hold strangely true for me at the moment. Pick pocketers, scammers, kidnappers, muggers and mum's "be careful!" all seem to come to mind.

Six things, my wallet, my iPad, my MacBook Pro, my iPhone, my passport and my money pouch. Don't forget anything Chris.

I also feel like I'm taking on the world, or at least China (which to be fair holds a large proportion of the world's population). A different language, a different culture, I mean I look Chinese, but I still feel like a foreigner. I feel like the prodigal child. I feel scared, honestly. My stomach's grumbling, perhaps subconscious manifestations of this fear, or maybe I'm hungry. Hmm, yup it's cos I'm hungry. I love plane food man!

Oh and I dressed up in a button-up on the wild hopes that I'd flukily get put into business class..

I really hope everything goes to plan. But if it doesn't... I'll deal with it won't I? I guess we'll just have to see won't we?

I'm sleepy.

1038 hrs

Woo, just had my first light dispute with a mainlander. A silly girl, probably a few years older than me, came to me and said my seat was hers. It wasn't until we asked the other mainlanders behind me what number they were before she realized she was wrong. Own goal.

Tofa 1 China 0

I'm glad to see that there is no one seated next to me, practically two seats for myself! And I'm seated next to the wing. Woohoo! Good day.

1119 hours

So electronic machines are allowed on again. Sweet. I've been listening to one of the Qantas radio channels and it's called Talking Business, it's the craziest show I've ever heard, all you hear about is sustainability and online marketing! Some big questions include: what will happen to print media? How do you use social media properly and successfully? How energy efficiency consulting can generate $400 million turnover (CoolEnergy)? How do you measure your website traffic, where they're from, why they're there, hotspots? 

We need to nail "what do you do?" have an interesting answer so that people want to know more about it. Social conscience vs business mindedness. Using capital, markets and infrastructure already in place. Scaleable activity, anti poverty and for profit. Can help poor people with energy efficiency, create credits and sell to energy companies already trading with credits. You sell the savings, e.g. UN credits. First two years 400 million dollars. 40 million homes in Mexico, physically exchange efficient light bulbs, saves Mexican government 300 million per year, and the Mexican home saving 250 million per year. 

1131 hours

Fuck yeah Megamind on in-flight entertainment!

1243 hrs

Eww what the fuck? Somebody just farted and it really smells. Choking even when breathing through my mouth.

1307

Megamind "fist pump!" so good!

1346

Tomorrow when the war began. Pommies posing as Aussies. And the Asian dude gets the main girl? What's the world coming to haha.

1207

Why did the time go backwards? 

I've decided to switch over to the new timeframe. Freaking tired but can't sleep. Lol.

Just finished watching Tomorrow When The War Began, and vie got to say it's really quite good! Anyways Talking Business is on loop and it's got me thinking. I dont know if the show is biased for some reason, but it seems to talk about energy efficiency and social media/ online marketing. It took me a while but I think I understand why. Business, well to me, is about maximizing profit, increasing that margin. It doesn't matter if you manufacture toilet paper, if you increase the quantity enough and you have 500% profit then you're still going to be filthy rich.

Now we have a problem... How can you start a business without money, without capital, I couldn't afford a toilet paper factory, no bank would ever lend me the amount to start, and I don't want that kind of debt on my hands anyway.

But the good thing is... Profit can be made at any point in the consumption cycle. I mean where do we put the start at? I'm gonna say the greatest profit margin is when you take raw materials and make it into something useful. I guess the next stage would be supply, then retail, then throwing and/or no longer using the product/service.

Then if I wanted to kill two birds with one stone, it seems as though, consulting would be the way to go. Consulting can happen with zero capital, but if you have no contacts then you have no credibility. So you need contacts first. 

A second problems (and greater one) would be quality of service. Consulting takes the second bird by being early in the consumption process. It feeds on existing infrastructure, and you can cut the middle man out at several stages, including manufacture/supply/retail. I reckon consulting has great margins, since it practically turns a raw material (knowledge) into something useful (money). Don't you? So really all you need a resource which is valuable in the first place. Sweet I need to study, learn. That, and contacts.

Time. That's the third. Time, contacts, knowledge.

So what kind of consulting? After all a prerequisite to any business is a good or a service which is wanted. Which brings me back to what I was talking about at the beginning. Every business is out there to make money and every business wants to try maximize profit. If you can save them money, you can increase their margin. And if it's in large enough quantities you make them a whole lot of money, meanwhile you trade your knowledge for money.

I think social media and energy efficiency could easily be incorporated into this paradigm... Both are relatively new, both are edgy and in line with technologies of today, both can save money (large amounts) and even be more effective than existing methods.

Ok sleep time eyes fucking tired.

1639

Watching Wall Street Never Sleeps. Interesting, but hard to follow since I know very little about stocks. Shia is on target as usual, I'm really quite impressed with his work.

Nearly at Shanghai, it's kinda hard to believe it's nearly 8pm in Sydney... It's getting dark outside, not outside my plane, but outside my home. And I can't help but feel a sense of longing for the place I go home.

1759

Just landed. Oh shit. Just realized everyone around me is dressed up in parkers/snow jackets. And I really hope I did unlock my phone from Optus euhhhh.

1957

Sim card buying failed. I think my phone is locked man I'm stupid. Bout to get my luggage checked.

2109

On board China Eastern Airways, getting ready for take-off to Xian. Feeling hungry man! Mmm what to do what to do! I should take out money at some point. But where... All good I still got 600 RMB bout 100AUD.

Anyways I was bored today on the plane. But the next post won't be anywhere near as long

Journey into the Orient

It's only 3 days now. It definately took a while, but it's here, my excitement I mean.

It's kind of exhilarating and a tad scary, the thought of being by myself in a foreign land.

What is this "journey" going to mean for me? I mean what significance will it have in my life.

Will I come back different? Or will I come back the same? Am I going to gain some kind of cultural understanding of my heritage, maybe greater tolerance of mainlanders in Australia (in case you haven't heard I kinda dislike them), maybe it'll make me a better person because I did something selfless for the world? Maybe it'll be boring. Or maybe, it'll be sick fun.

One thing is for sure, there are a hell of a lot of "maybes" and not very many "for sures" (I don't think it's a word).

Humga has inspired me to make a short film about this. I kinda want it to be a bit of a documentary I guess maybe a bit of a blog. But with...a more serious element. You guessed it, it's going to be called Journey into the Orient. I can't wait to meet these village folk, get dirty looks from Chinese people who realise I can't speak Chinese, and squat in toilets to take a dump (sweet I can get a nice work out for my quads, all I need to do is less reps, and place my luggage back on my back).

That's all for today.

Tofa.

Defining Moments of 2011

Ok, let's be honest. This site is not exactly a thriving space. But it might receive some attention yet!

So I've kind of been slow to establish my New Year's resolutions... or reflect on what has happened in 2010. All I know is that this time next week, I will be on my Shanghai flight to Xian. I'll be alone. Very alone. For all I know I could come back a different person, somebody with a different resolve, with a different purpose.

That would be pretty sweet. Need some soul searching and running around empty rice fields. We'll see how I go.

But 2010 really opened up my eyes to somethings which I previously had not noticed.

The world is changing, the world as we know it is changing. It's crazy! But it is. And theres very little we can do about it. Right now, the big floods are happening in QLD, and all you hear on the news is the role of social media (Twitter, Facebook) in helping people find people, gathering information etc. It's all changing.

Marketing, well marketing as we know it is dead. Because now everything is on the internet. Google, Facebook, rich, filthy rich, because of ads, marketing. Youtube, same thing.

Ads! Are generating all this revenue. Social media is changing the world, and if we don't go with it, we won't go. The children of today, are already so intermeshed into the reality that is the internet. I can't even imagine what the internet will behold in, 10, 20, 30 years? The cloud will surely be upon us.

But you know where the money is going to be made? It's the investments into the technologies along the way which will make us rich in 10, 20, 30 years.

Influences coming from left, right and centre, Nelson, The Social Network, my new job, The Good Wife's character Eli Gold. So many areas of improvement, so many ideas, so much money and untapped potential to access. But how?

Maybe two weeks of volunteering, semi-isolation and momentary lapses of disconnection from this changing world will tell me? Maybe it's not enough? Maybe I'll miss, or worse, maybe I won't...

Tofa